This blog is written and shared

In loving memory of:

{Christian Michael Walsh}

Oct 15th, 2019

{{ PSA: This story contains graphic and emotional images that may not be suitable for young or tender viewers. This is a RAW and real story of one of the most beautiful and difficult nights in my career… we have decided to share it to educate others and share HIS legacy. you’ve been gently warned…}}

Darling, Sweet, and Lovely Readers,

I have gone over and over this story in my mind for weeks. I have wrestled with how to share it, who to share it with, and what to share. Eventually, after many tough and tear filled editing sessions, I am finally ready to share my incredible experience with all of you, in the hopes that it will keep this darling baby’s legacy alive and REAL for all involved. Plus, writing is cathartic and I am still in need of processing it all out… I will include all the fine print at the bottom of how to support this amazing family, so keep on reading…

I met Lauren and Matt through a client/mutual friend. When I excitedly texted about the prospect of a brand new baby client, it became quite apparent that God had a much more beautiful idea in mind. As I chatted with Lauren, I learned that her darling baby had been diagnosed in utero with Potter’s Syndrome and we weren’t quite sure what that would mean or look like for them. Cue the fear and worry…

ONE THING WAS CRYSTAL CLEAR however, Matt and Lauren had chosen to celebrate this tiny life, no matter how long they were blessed with it. I was so incredibly touched by their perspective on that, dear friends.

No matter how hard this was going to be, they were going to search for the JOY in it.

So, we went about planning and executing their maternity session {on the beach, it was BEAUTIFUL!} and as we were shooting all the typical maternity photos, I could sense the pair of them getting more and more emotional as we went on… I didn’t want to call attention to it because, as an empath, I also understand that sometimes we just need to FEEL without others noticing or judging it. However, as I trailed Lauren into the waves for our last series of prompts, I was breaking down emotionally. I was hit with the gravity and intense honor and trial this sweet family had been challenged with. I watched this beautiful pillar of strength and motherhood struggle with holding it together. I wanted to go to her, but I felt this was too private a moment to share with me. So, I prompted Lauren to just touch her baby bump and whisper words of love and encouragement to her precious son… I stepped way back and this is what we got.

STILL to this day, one of the most tender, beautiful, and RAW photos I have ever grabbed…. it will be one of my favorites forever because her pain and the ghosts of unfulfilled future hang in that gorgeous expression. A heartbreaking kind of beauty… I was speechless.

I abandoned hope of grabbing any more shots because I knew she needed love in this grief. So, in that moment I was pulled to her and I wrapped my arms around her and prayed. Prayed for strength and love and wisdom… prayed for miracles, and connection and safe delivery.

One of the highlights of my entire life was there… standing knee deep in ocean water with my arms around this beautiful duo praying and worshiping our Father. I could literally live one thousand more lives, and I know that I will never forget that moment…

Fast forward a few weeks…

After a few {very emotional and scary} close calls and trips to the birthing center… the night came.

Lauren was indeed in labor.

Christian was about to enter the world.

Early on the evening of October 14th, we planned on me grabbing a few hours of quick shut eye and then making my way to the hospital around 4 am so I wouldn’t miss a moment of the experience with my lens. Sounded like a great plan, so I tried to drift off to sleep… pleading with God to wrap His hands around this sweet family and guard their hearts. Sleep finally found me, and I awoke to the sound of my cell phone chirping away next to me… 1:12 am.

My heart stopped as I heard her tearful words… time blurred as I grabbed clothes, made a HUGE mug of coffee, collected my camera things and sped to the hospital.

Prayers on my lips:

For Lauren, that she could have the birth experience she was planning and that everything would be safe

For Matt, that God would grant him the strength and wisdom to endure this hardship and comfort his family.

For the doctors and nurses that they would be empathetic, supportive, and skilled in their dealings with the Walshes

And for me… that I would honor his story with my lens, be sensitive, and NOT be a sobby baby the entire time.

What unfolded in the hours to come was P U R E M A G I C…

I am not a midwife, so I will not divulge many birth details~

I am not the mama, so I won’t guess the millions of sensations and emotions she endured~

I am not the daddy, so I can’t explain the feelings of helplessness and overwhelming loss he must have been feeling~

I am not a therapist or counselor, so I won’t pretend there either…

But what I am, what I have been put on this Earth to do, is to be a STORY TELLER. I intend to do just that.

What I saw that night was moments of PURE LOVE mixed with unimaginable grief….

What I saw that night was support, and connection, and longing….

As I recount this story in my mind, there are three HUGE things I want to be sure to mention:

1) Despite their immense loss and grief, Matt and Lauren made a beautiful life and memory for Christian. Every detail was thought out, down to them singing Happy Birthday in tandem to his tiny noises and cries.

2) The staff and nurses at NCH were more than commendable. They were kind, understanding, supportive, and just down right nurturing the ENTIRE TIME in the birthing suite. I saw acts of empathy and emotion and love that just do not occur on the regular. Nurse Lisa even gave Matt and Lauren a stethoscope so they could listen in on his fluttery heart beat.

3) Christian was a BEAUTIFUL baby. His tiny face is still etched in the recesses of my heart, and I know it will be for some time. His features were delicate, he resembled his brother SO MUCH, and he was given just shy of an hour with his family in love. We cheered when we saw his {very much alive} face held above Lauren’s knees, we heard his cries, noticed as he calmed when his mama whispered to him, he was baptized and blessed, met his close family and his big brother, and then he passed just as peacefully as he came into this world.

We had no idea what to expect from his tiny body or abilities and let’s just say that he FAR SURPASSED any of our expectations.

As I made my way around and around the birthing suite that night, taking in the flurry of emotions and experiences, one thing was for sure…

this baby was WANTED, LOVED, and TREASURED by so many.

He spent just a moment here Earth side, but he will live on forever in our stories… As the hours dwindled down, and the adrenaline was replaced by sadness, I felt torn. I knew that there wasn’t much left for me to capture, but I also knew that these images were the only pieces of Christian that his family will have as the memories lose their painful edges… I had to TEAR myself away from that amazing family.

Walking down the hallway early in the morning, I knew that my life, my pursuit of photography, my drive to capture these moments for families was never going to be the same again.

I knew in that moment, that my JOB is to capture ALL the moments for families: not just the smiley, well coordinated, dancing in the failing sunlight memories~

but the sticky, messy kitchen, heartbroken and sobbing through the pain memories as well.

Those are the stories that flavor our lives.

Those are the wrinkles that add character to our souls.

Those are the scars that strengthen with time.

One last thing of note: Days later, as I sat numbly on a cathedral pew I had the chance to properly say goodbye and to mourn Christian with the rest of their tribe. As the priest was saying his final blessings, the sunlight shone through the stained glass windows and threw a bright rainbow right over the table that the ashes and his portrait were on. There were actual gasps of delight in the congregation. What an amazing last parting miracle from above for this precious baby boy…

Thank you Christian for changing my entire world with your tiny presence.

Thank you for sharing your parents with me.

Thank you for allowing doctors, priests, nurses, and others to serve with love.

Thank you for the many tears that flowed days and days after our meeting, they were bittersweet.

Thank you for the blossoming friendship with your mama.

Thank you for teaching me how to shoot through the tears, and to heal people with my work.

You will never be forgotten and your all too short life held SO MUCH MEANING for us all…

Love each other friends…

~Kelly

How to Support the Walsh Family:

~Prayers for their adjusting to life without Christian

~

Learn more about Potters Syndrome here ~ https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/potter-syndrome/

Heartbreaking kind of beauty... {Christian Michael's Birth Story}